nowhere else to turn
i didn't know who else to turn to, so i decided to turn to this blog. i feel like i have exhausted all of my outreach options as far as my few friends are concerned. i feel a sense of guilt when i share my thoughts with others - it's as if though in sharing i am causing more pain for others than liberation for myself. and at that point, i have realized, it's just not worth sharing anymore, even if it is to help me with my own misery.
i don't know what it is, but especially lately, nothing makes any sense, and i can't seem to see the value of things, such as this life, my life, to be exact.
i've only just recently, within the past couple of weeks, as a matter of fact, that i have realized that i am a creature, alive on this planet. it just hit me one evening as i was enjoying some ganja at a local beach. i am a creature. i was born on this planet and i will likely die on this planet. at 31 years of age, what do i have to show for my life? who have i been living life for? i don't know who i have been living life for, but i have an eerie feeling that the life i have been living has not been for me.
this living life for others, or the living of life pursuing the dreams of others - i think this is perhaps the root cause of my depression. i just can't seem to shake these feelings of feeling like shit.
i wake up every morning, as early as my body will permit, because i know that the earlier i rise, the earlier i will fall, and this means being awake/conscious less, which equals less being with myself and my discontent. work keeps me occupied, but it is getting harder to stay focused. lately i have found myself leaving the office for shoot up with indigenous snuff just to help with the anxiety. in the evenings after work, my sedative of choice in ganja. i appreciate this plant because it helps me feel like i am with someone. in other words, i don't feel as alone when i smoke. it also gives me something to do, something to look forward to, something to ease the pain.
i have no clue where i am heading, and i am unsure if there is anything out there that is worth the stay. buddha essentially described suffering as an intrinsic part of life. and here i am doing what i can to ease the suffering as much as i can as often as i can. however, i'm not sure if this is a game i wish to play for much longer.
i don't know what it is, but especially lately, nothing makes any sense, and i can't seem to see the value of things, such as this life, my life, to be exact.
i've only just recently, within the past couple of weeks, as a matter of fact, that i have realized that i am a creature, alive on this planet. it just hit me one evening as i was enjoying some ganja at a local beach. i am a creature. i was born on this planet and i will likely die on this planet. at 31 years of age, what do i have to show for my life? who have i been living life for? i don't know who i have been living life for, but i have an eerie feeling that the life i have been living has not been for me.
this living life for others, or the living of life pursuing the dreams of others - i think this is perhaps the root cause of my depression. i just can't seem to shake these feelings of feeling like shit.
i wake up every morning, as early as my body will permit, because i know that the earlier i rise, the earlier i will fall, and this means being awake/conscious less, which equals less being with myself and my discontent. work keeps me occupied, but it is getting harder to stay focused. lately i have found myself leaving the office for shoot up with indigenous snuff just to help with the anxiety. in the evenings after work, my sedative of choice in ganja. i appreciate this plant because it helps me feel like i am with someone. in other words, i don't feel as alone when i smoke. it also gives me something to do, something to look forward to, something to ease the pain.
i have no clue where i am heading, and i am unsure if there is anything out there that is worth the stay. buddha essentially described suffering as an intrinsic part of life. and here i am doing what i can to ease the suffering as much as i can as often as i can. however, i'm not sure if this is a game i wish to play for much longer.
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